Your face is a jimmy john
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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