I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize