someone threw a dead crab at me
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize