He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
