It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
