My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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