I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
