i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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