'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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