I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
