Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
