life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
