I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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