guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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