I cut my penus on the lid.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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