Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
