He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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