The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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