Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
