Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
