life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
