Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
