Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
