I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
