I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
smell my finger.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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