Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Drunk is a universal language darling
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize