Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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