when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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