Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
