my phone needs a breathalizer
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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