hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize