I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
