only you would photoshop your dick
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
