Well apparently he's into motor boating.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
