the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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