I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
