Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
