I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
your room smells of hookers.
And success
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
