You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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