Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Randomize