so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
