THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
