I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
