You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
