my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
