Where is the hickey?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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