Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
