Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
