I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
