hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
