I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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