Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
