I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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