Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
