Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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